first 100 days

this last weekend we went to the people’s climate march in DC, marking trump’s first hundred days in office. trump marked his first hundred days by getting drunk in a barn in pennsylvania, and reflected that his first three months were “just about the most successful in our country’s history.”

to celebrate this resounding achievement, here are things just as successful as trump’s first 100 days:

  • curling your hair just the right way before a big date, but then it’s raining outside! plus you left the curler plugged in and burn the entire neighborhood down, leaving only charred remnants of everyone you ever loved.
  • adding all the other ingredients to your super fancy batch of brown butter cookies, but then measuring the salt over the bowl and accidentally pouring a half cup in, and then it turns out the salt was really spent uranium and your house becomes a nuclear waste zone only habitable by cockroaches and steve bannon.
  • watching a recording of your favorite show, but then the DVR cuts out, jumps off the tv stand, burns your eyes with laser beams, and tells your child “i am your mom now.”
  • getting lost on a hike, dropping your map in a river, and then being surrounded by a pack of hungry ivankas, fang-bearing white carnivores that have a taste for jewish flesh.
  • finding your long-lost lover on facebook, but you realize he’s married. plus that he and his wife practice satanic worship and have hand-sewn voodoo dolls of you and anyone you’ve ever known.
  • going to temple and jared kushner is there also.
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