(real!) house tour

Okay, enough bullshitting around. Here’s the house. Because, let’s face it – the upside of moving to a state whose democracy ranks somewhere between Cuba and Sierra Leone?

Three bedrooms.

(Yikes.)

(The upside of moving to a state whose fear-mongering legislators are scared of sharing bathrooms?…okay I’ll stop)

Moving along, here are photos of our kinda sorta fully decorated home, along with fun facts about the house and property.

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Fun fact #1: This house is made pretty much exclusively of concrete. Straight up, the concrete guy must have caught the contractor in some lewd and lascivious acts and promised his silence in exchange for this house, because there is no other earthly reason I should be living in what functionally amounts to a fallout shelter. Downside, it means that even with a specially purchased drill bit, we can’t get shit to go into these walls, thus they remain sadly bare and bereft of all cow-themed artwork. Upside, we’re hoping this means it’ll stay down to a cool 89 inside during the summer (….yay).

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Fun fact #2: The master bedroom (LOL master bedroom) used to be bright baby blue, until I gently suggested (LOL gently suggested) to Mike that maybe what would really help him relax and take a load off after driving five straight days through hellstorms would be to paint all our bedrooms. By himself. Because as we all know, I am linearly challenged and have shit to do (i.e., pick out throw pillows). (And because, as we also know, I am the worst.)

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Fun fact #3: Yes, that is a pine cone. (Sugar pine, southern Sierras)

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Fun fact #4: There’s a line of tape that wraps around the entire perimeter of the crown molding, and then down all the way to the floor, and has been painted over in both sections.  I’m fairly certain that this inch-wide strip of what appears to be masking tape is holding together all 3,000 cubic feet of concrete in this house, or that we’re being wiretapped by Republicans. We asked Rick the repair guy what it’s for and he said he has no idea, but he does seem like a Republican, so…

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Fun fact #5: I have a backyard!! I’m so happy about this I can’t even summon the snark to make a joke. All I’ve wanted for so many years was a little place of my own to pretend to read, drink mocktails, and get tan lines more crooked than North Carolina’s congressional districts. (#thesnarkhasbeensummoned)

Hopefully soon I’ll be able to post photos of the wellness room and Mike’s office, but for now they’re still in their original form of “meth lab” and “this is where the cat goes to avoid me” (respectively).

Also hopefully soon you all will be able to come visit me and see this beautiful house in person! If you’re reading this, you’re invited. Unless you got this link because my mom spammed you with it, in which case I apologize.

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