House tour!

In the style of Sunset magazine

Bay Area Couple Finds Southern Dream Home
(or at least a place that costs less than a closet in SOMA) 

Mike and Emma have always been the type to prioritize charm over convenience. Emma’s old apartment was a testament to this – despite the scratching noises coming through the walls every night at 3 am, the scent of marijuana and bus exhaust wafting in through un-close-able windows, and the landlord constantly trying to sell her e-cookbook to tenants, Emma just couldn’t give up the 1970s, corporate office-like charm of her beige stucco apartment complex. Those fake wood cabinets! That front gate with the extra-high security spikes! It was any design-lover’s dream.

But sadly, the time came when capitalism took a shit on everyone, and decided that average people with average jobs in the Bay Area actually shouldn’t get the privilege of paying half their income (and never having kids or retiring!) to live in a bland 1970s apartment complex.

And so, refusing to be capitalism’s bitch and also just a little tired of 11 pm traffic, $15 cocktails, and the recent appearance of tech bro hordes by 19th St BART, Emma and Mike sought greener pastures (or at least cheaper and less-congested ones).

Landing them here, in this Raleigh, N.C., home.

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In a delightful mix between British manor and “in the dark, that tree looks like swamp thing,” their new home doesn’t skimp on the charm.

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You walk in the front door and a sense of home immediately washes over you (that is, if your home is a storage unit full of used exercise equipment). The room is comforting, but evocative, raising such questions as: who saran-wrapped that furniture like it was a deli sandwich? Is that a hunting rifle or ancient Egyptian sarcophagus wrapped and taped in the corner? Is the elliptical having a picnic? What kind of war crimes are taking place at said picnic, with the head of exercise equipment/suspect #2 all bagged up??

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The kitchen has undertones of craftsman architecture and overtones of cheez-its. “I really wanted this to be a space where we throw out our trash,” says Emma.

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As you walk through the kitchen, the living room invites you in cozily: invites you to unpack some of these damn boxes, since clearly the lazy fuckers who live here aren’t going to.  The pink and yellow sea creature figures in the window (actually plastic bags full of random light bulbs) are a nod to the couple’s love of the sea, and the feeling the room creates of being in a fish bowl YOU CAN NEVER ESCAPE FROM.

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The bedroom is still a work in progress, the couple says, although you would never know it from the lavish decorations. “I can’t wait to put the finishing touches on it,” Mike says, “like my own sleeping bag.” Emma smiles and rolls her eyes, “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, honey.”

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Although the house so far has been remarkable both in its functionality and high-brow design (LOLOL), the piece de resistance awaits in the wellness room. “This is where we come together as a family,” Emma reflects. “This is our special space to relax, to cook meth, to gather tools for robbing a bank. It wouldn’t feel like home otherwise.”

 

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